Letters To Ziva
by Tiva4evaxxx
Summary: Each chapter will be a new letter to Ziva, but none of these letters are ever sent. Post Aliyah fic. Tiva, of course! And in later chapters/letters :P it will get pretty heavy tiva! yay :P rated for safety.
1. Chapter 1

**This is just a new idea i've had floating round my head for a while, that i decided to start. They will get better, i promise :P But it's quarter to one in the morning over here :P These probably won't be UDed regularly because i have sooo many on going fics it's insane. But i hope you like it, even if it is a bit drabble-y and rubbish.**

**Disclaimer: How many times... i own nothing!**

Letters to Ziva

Dear Ziva,

I'm so sorry. I should be telling you this in person, but I'm too much of a coward, and an idiot. I really am sorry. Not for killing Rivkin, I don't think I'll ever be truly sorry for that, but I am sorry that it hurt you. More sorry than you can possibly imagine. And I'm sorry too that you'll never get this, I won't send it, I don't think I would even if I had an address to send it to.

You haven't called, they said you'd call when you're ready, but I'm not so sure. I think you're still angry at me, at the world. Hell you have a right to be, cos I sure as hell am. I'm angry a lot at the moment, mostly at the world for taking you away from me, sometimes at you, for taking yourself away from me, away from your real home. You belong here, with us. You know that, really, we all know that. We all miss you so much. Everyone here does. You'd kill me if you knew this but I still have those photos of you, in LA. God, there are so many memories, and every time I think of you I manage to come up with a new one, and it hurts that little bit more every time. People say it gets easier, but really that's only for comfort, it actually just gets harder all the time. The longer you're away for, the more it hurts.

The other day, I was thinking back to when we first met. Those first few days, I remember following you to the hotel, and I remember you coming outside, just undercover with the pizza and you telling me about your sister, Tali. I saw a green dress in a shop window the other day, and that reminded me of when we went undercover. Then I remembered the time we were stuck in the container, for hours. And I laughed, even though it hurt to remember because you're no longer here. You left. But I'm still here.

I miss all the little things, like having you walk through the elevator doors, I miss your little slip ups with 'stupid American Idioms', I mean I even miss your death threats, and of course watching you while you work. I have pictures, but it's not the same. I miss you out in the field, and your expertise you used to make our kind of work bearable, even fun. You used to get me through even the darkest of days. Now the days drag, and the bad cases, well they're really bad.

I just miss you.

Tony

**Please review! I like constructive criticism, especially when i know this is definitely not one of my best.**

**Thanks, Emily**

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**


	2. Chapter 2

**This is for Rach (CheerChickx) cos she chose this one :P And cos she's amazing and you should go check out her fics i think 3 (?) are Tiva, and she has this really sad amazing poem. Anyways she's great :D S go R&R her stuff!**

Dear Ziva,

Did you really love him? You told me 'I guess I'll never know'. I know it's childish and selfish. But I pray every day and night that you didn't. I've tried fooling myself into thinking that you don't really. Because if you did, not only would I have to live knowing I killed someone who, no matter how much I hated, you loved. And thinking about it, it would kill me. I'm jealous of a dead man. Because he had you and I don't, I didn't. I never have. I was too damn scared of commitment. And now, now I'm ready to tell you how I feel, you're gone, not here. Nothing has changed since the last letter, you still haven't called. Part of me thinks you're still to angry, but part of me is scared. Absolutely terrified that something is wrong, that you've been hurt or… or something and I don't know about it. When you were here with us at least I would be one of the first to know if something was wrong. I'd be able to get to you, or even prevent something from happening. I might even be with you.

I don't know what I'd do if anything happened. I'd blame myself, it's my fault – it was me who drove you away. I wouldn't be able to bear it. Living without you here is hard enough, the thought of living without you anywhere… is unbearable to even think about. I couldn't do it. That's the simplest way to put it. I love you too much. There, I've said it – well wrote it. Except I'm scared I'll never get the chance to tell you, scared that you might never know. I'm not sending these letters and I don't know if I'll see you again. And if I did I don't know whether you'd want to hear it.

Sometimes I wonder if you think about me, if you miss me as much as miss you. I'm not sure that's possible, but you could get pretty close. I'd be pretty upset if you didn't think of me at all. I like to think that you too miss the little things. I'm sure you miss the team. You should hear Abby, she doesn't shut up about you it's 'Ziva would think this' or 'Ziva wouldn't have done that' she has pictures of you everywhere. Gibbs, Gibbs definitely misses you even though he wouldn't admit it. You know Gibbs. McGee… he's grown up a fair bit. You can see he misses you too, he drops the odd comment but doesn't talk properly about you. The only one who does is Abby, but you can tell each of us is thinking about you. You're never far from any of our thoughts.

In fact, the other day I saw someone in the street, she looked like you from a distance. I called out your name, the woman turned and I saw her face. She didn't look anything like you, she was no where near as beautiful as you are. So I just apologized and told her I thought she was someone else. Maybe I'm going mad. I don't know. I don't really care. What's the point in caring about my sanity? Realistically what have I got left to live for?

I miss you, and love you.

Tony

**Thanks for your reviews last time, please review again! :) I think this is better than the last one, but i'm not sure...**

**Thanks, Emily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**


	3. Chapter 3

**This will probably be my last UD of this for a while, i'm just pre warning you. I start school next week, and other fics kinda take priority at the moment. I'm actually worried my reviewers for Ray of Light will hunt me down me and force me to UD or something... urgh. The pressure. ANyways... enjoy!**

Dear Ziva,

Every time my work phone or my cell phone rings I jump about a mile, I scramble to pick up, and then switch off as soon as I hear it's not your voice on the other end. I half listen to the rest of the conversation, whatever the person has to say but all I'm really thinking about it you. I guess it's not healthy to keep writing to you like this; it's probably driving me crazy or something. I have a picture of you on my bedside table you know, it's that one of us in LA – both of us although I still do have those bikini photo's… Which you would kill me over. In that photo though, we're both smiling. We were both happy. I've almost forgotten how that feels, being happy.

I wish you would call, I wish you would so badly and you have no idea. Just any kind of contact, right now I'd settle for an email even a text message! I'm that desperate. They're talking about replacing you. It's getting serious. I just wish you'd come home to us, to me. I had to interview a girl today; I swear she looked about fifteen or something. Typical blonde, ditzy. She was all jittery and nervous, and very prim and proper and 'professional'. You would have hated her Zee, I mean really hated her. I did. She was the complete opposite of you, was blonde for a start, stupid, and had it easy in life. Probably never seen a corpse in her life, - couldn't hurt a fly. Not even wouldn't, she just would not be capable. She was a complete idiot. How they thought she could work as an Agent for NCIS I don't know, whoever deluded them into thinking she could do our job is… well deluded. She would never come close to matching up to you, but then again no one ever will now. If someone says 'replacement' I get seriously pissed off, you can't be replaced. No one seems to understand that. I keep saying to myself, 'we just need to wait; we just need to wait for her to come home'. But damnit, I'm freakin' terrified you'll never come home. You should come back, if not for me for Abby. She's driving us all crazy but it's just cos she's upset that you're gone. She's the only one I have on my side when it comes to the whole 'replacing' you dilemma. She has this picture up, of the whole team. It's brilliant, everyone's in it, Ducky, Jimmy, Jenny before she died. You. And of course there's about a million of you up in her lab, it makes it pretty hard to walk in there, because there's no safe place to look. Every time I see your beautiful face I find it hard not to cry. Pathetic I know, but that's apparently the effect you have on me.

I have to go now McGee is asking what I'm doing and there's no way I'm letting on that I'm writing letters to you. He'd probably get Gibbs to send me a mental institute or something.

I love you, and I miss you so, so much.

Tony

**Please review!**

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**


	4. Chapter 4

**I realized it had been months since i UDed this, and that it was still classed as unfinished, even though in my mind i left it behind a while ago :P But (believe it or not) I don't like to leave things unfinished, so here is the last letter. It's really not very good, but i wanted to finish it. Hope the few of you still reading enjoy it, at least a little bit. Thanks to everyone who's reviewed :) **

Ziva,

I'm sorry I haven't written in a while... oh wait, you wouldn't notice anyway. Lots has been happening. They've told me you're dead, so I must be mad. Writing these... most people... most people have a place – somewhere to go, when they've lost someone. I could go somewhere, I guess, hell, so many places remind me of you, but there's not one place... It hurts. It hurts so much.

I can't really describe it, just, I can't think. I can't do a single fucking thing without it reminding me of you somehow, I can't breathe, and it hurts. It hurts so damn much. I've stopped living, but then again, I suppose there's no change, because I stopped living the moment you stayed in Israel. The moment you stepped out of my life. This is my fault, everything. If... if I had never gone to you apartment... you wouldn't... you would have come home with us.

God, I would give anything, anything to have you back. We're going to Somalia. It's... complicated. But we are. I'm full of bitterness and anger, and I want to get revenge, I want to _blame _someone for your death. We're going to get Saleem. And I'm not sure if I'm going to make it back. I'm not sure I even want to. If the past few weeks has been anything to on, I don't want to come back here. Back to America, back to NCIS. How can I fall back into that routine again with such a gaping hole in my life? It hangs over all of us you know, we used to be comfortable there, feel safe. Now it just feels empty. Just... empty. We're leaving in a couple of hours, and like I said, I have no idea if I'll ever make it back. It's a pretty scary thought, to think that once I've got my revenge, I've got nothing left to live for. I have to admit, death seems quite appealing at this point. Does it make the feelings go away? The guilt and the anger and the pain – do they go away? That would be one appealing aspect, then, the most obvious, I'd be with you. At least, I like to think I would. Because death sucks enough already, you'd think the least life would do is let you be with the people you love. But life isn't fair. I've known that for a long time, so I don't know why I bother to hope. I don't know why I was angry when you were taken away from me, because life isn't fair, and sooner or later it would have happened to one of us. But it felt _so_ incredibly unfair that it was you – then again, life doesn't care about feelings. Or whether things balance themselves out.

God I miss you. I didn't think it was possible to feel this way for this long, I should have known better really. But I should have known better about a lot of things, so that's not really saying a lot. I think no matter what happens out there, this will be my last letter to you. I will die there, or I will be dragged back kicking and screaming. Either way, this is my last letter. I would say maybe things will turn out differently, but I've given up hoping. It would be hoping for some kind of miracle anyway. Nothing ever turns out the way you want it to. I love you Ziva, and my biggest regret in life is never telling you that. I sign every letter off with 'I love you' but it will never be enough, for either of us. I'll say it again anyway, but a thousand written I love you's will never make up for the words I couldn't quite bring myself to say.

I love you.

Tony

**Told you it wasn't very good. :P I won't ask for reviews because i imagine most of my readers dropped out a long time ago... and i really don't blame you. But hey, it's finished!!! Lol. One down.... six hundred million to go......**

**xxxxxxx**


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